Friday, October 31, 2014

Gollum's Travel Guide - Emyn Muil


Somehow when hobbitses are lost, they asks us for help. Smeagol doesn't know why, but we are a very good guide, precious. Goldenrod Gardener asks us:

Hi Gollum!
I am currently on a week long camping trip in Emyn Muil, and I was wondering if you had any advice on survival skill seeings as I...ah...lost my companions.

Sigh...hobbitses always come to us for directions, then tricks us. But good Smeagol always helps. We will tell you how to go through Emyn Muil.

1. Bring fish.
There are not many fishes in Emyn Muil. Smeagol was very hungry. It must bring its own food. If it meets someone who offers elf bread, it musn't take it. Elf bread chokes us, makes us sick. If it does not bring fish, it will starve.

2. Bring rope.
It might think hobbitses are nice. No, hobbitses do not help Smeagol. They do not leave rope tied up so Smeagol can climb down it, so we must bring our own. If it doesn't bring rope, don't take it from hobbitses. Their rope burns us, nasty elves twisted it.

3. Marks its path.
Silly hobbitses walk in circles, but wise Smeagol knows the way. Mark its paths with the bones of the fish it brings. Smeagol is very clever, yes? Very thrifty?

4. Find caves.
It must find caves quickly, when the Yellow Face comes out. Yes, and the White Face. If it doesn't like to walk in the rain, caves are nice and dark and cool places to rest.

5. Avoid hobbitses.
They take advantage of poor Smeagol. We guides them and they tricks us. Hobbitses think they like to help, but they only hurt us.

But if it is trying to get its Precious back, we recommend sssneaking. Sneak up behind the hobbits, and pounce. Smeagol tries this. We are sure it will work next time...

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Yes, leave us a comment precious! We doesn't bite! Smeagol wouldn't hurt a fly!